Too Needy

 I am too needy.

Aspirational lyrics

If a lot of people tell you the same thing then it must be true. After all, I am the variable in all of my failed relationships.

That's why I'm not reaching out much over the holidays.

I think I want to bust through this fear of being without Will and the only way I will do that is to be alone as much as possible. It was my mistake my first year to think friendship can replace a missing partner. No one can replace Will. And I've finally settled into the realization that this pain of missing Will is the rest of my life. I know it will get better.  Or at least it will get different.  This year is different than last year -- it's been harder. I believe the coming year will be easier.

Right now I am pretty afraid of being around people for fear I'll do something that will make them dislike me because that is my experience of me. Will accepted (though he didn't approve) of all of me.  There will never be anyone else who can do that.  That's another thing I need to accept - that for the rest of my life I'll need to act better than I am and not let people see the "real" me, not if I want to keep my friends.

My commitment to myself is that I will no longer hate myself and hurt myself for being an asshole.  I'll just avoid situations in which I might act like one, to the extent that I can.

It's my first December in almost three decades when I haven't been on some sort of anti-depressant.  Unless you count weed.  I am consuming way too much weed.  Well, way too much for someone who has a purpose in the world.  But perhaps just the right amount for someone free from purpose -- perhaps just perfect for a floater and slacker.

I have plans for January. If I can stop hurting so much. I want to get clean but only if I figure out a way manage the grief better and to manage my need for other higher level primates. Once I stop needing people to like the "authentic" me I think I'll be okay.  I plan to reread my old interpersonal communication text to figure out how to be with people again.