Medium Medium Addendum

Things I forgot to write yesterday.

1. While his saying that Will wanted me to stay in the house seemed absolutely right for what a Spirit Will might want, and also corresponds to a former psychic's statement that spirit Will thought I should wait six

Barbie Dream House by Mattel

months before deciding anything, his use of the words "Dream Home" went clunk. Rang false. We bought the house as-is and Will laid out the furniture and books (thousands and thousands of books) but we never did much to the interior of the house. The carpets came with the house. We occasionally got rid of some furniture but it took many years because Will was always loath to get rid of anything or spend money on anything new.  I, however, have created my own "dreamy" space upstairs, getting rid of all the furniture we shared before his dementia.

2. He handled Will's teaching Bible more than he handled a tie of dubious provenance. (May have been purchased second hand - I don't remember. Pre-dementia Will would have remembered where and when.)

3. Speaking for Will he gave me two assignments: one was to read the 23rd psalm once a day for a week and the other was to write a love letter to Will for a week and then open and read them and find they're for me. This second assignment is a classic psychologist's tactic.

4. He said I had just two friends but that's not true - I can think of at least five people I can call on for support. I'm blessed in having friends. My big confusion up until recently is that I thought that having a lot of strings attached to my balloon would replace the big rope that was anchoring it.  I was wrong.  There is no replacement for Will.  There is no way to "fix" the pain of him not being in my life. I need to learn to live around the hole.

And once again, I want to underline the communication truism that it takes at least two beings to communicate. I used to say "sentient beings" in my classrooms, thinking about other mammals who communicate - dogs, cats, horses, whales, elephants, well, everybody! Though know one knows what the fox says. 

What I said to my wonderful grief therapist yesterday was that I was crying hard all the time I was there AND I was analyzing his communication behaviors. My analytical brain is not completely dead! "It's alive, it's alive, IT'S ALIVE"

As for the dude's sitting too close to me and me getting freaked out about it, my therapist told me that the first time she tried to get close to me during a grief storm before Will's death, I backed away from her. So it's not just men I'm uncomfortable with getting close to me.  It may be people larger than I? People who are people? But she did agree that he should have been able to read my discomfort and responded to it.