So I drove 40 minutes to visit a highly recommended medium to see if I could get some peace around Will's death as I am still experiencing deep grief and would like to be a bit more functional in the world than I seem to be at the present moment.
Did the visit function in that way? Yes and no.
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| lemongrass |
The space felt safe and I was greeted by the spouse who also made the setting feel safe.
The chair I sat in was comfortable.
I was able to say out loud to spirit Will that I was proud of all he did and that I'd not said that to him enough.
During the channeling and "reading" I was given reassurances that Will
- loved me
- was sorry for being such a hard man
- didn't want me to be in such pain still
- wanted me to stay in the house
- was present in the house
- was still my protector
The psychic also said that Will said to be selfish and take care of myself for the next two months. This corresponds with what a psychic I talked to in the summer said - that I shouldn't think about moving for at least six months. Both measures correspond to February, beginning of March - so some linkage as to shared spiritual reality. The psychic, either as Will or himself, said that he understood that life was hard because I was alone (without kids). It felt good to get that assurance.
One other thing said: "He slept on the right side of the bed." True.
Another thing the psychic said that I appreciated was that I don't need to pay attention to friends who tell me I'm too emotional. It was fun the way he said it, waving his long arms almost like Will would have, saying that I should wave them away.
The psychic seemed to me to believe in what he was saying: he made direct eye contact, spoke clearly when he was not channeling, and sat with confidence in his body posture. His voice was warm and expressed caring through vocal quality.
His presence largely expressed compassion and he mostly behaved compassionately, as did his spouse.
During the channeling, his body posture curved down and he spoke in a gutteral whisper I strained to hear, even as I put my ear wearing the hearing aid down next to his head. He was a soft talker even in regular speech.
He performed a ceremony of rubbing my hands with a lemongrass oil and then he held the back of my hands during the channeling. He was bending over the clasped hands so he would have been smelling the lemon grass and since I know that lemongrass opens up a connection to the brain, that all made sense to me.
A couple of the reassurances suggest that a true contact with spirit was made. #2 How could the psychic have known that Will was a hard man? That rang true.#4 And how could he have known that I had been thinking of moving?
Most of what the psychic said during my visit was aimed at helping me and providing me with support and reassurance, no matter from what side of the veil the reassurance came.
No
Here is why I left the meeting quickly and I'm not going back.
First, most of what he told me was explainable as a highly skilled "cold reading."
- What would a widow still grieving need? Reassurance.
- What would a former caregiver need to hear? That a good job was done.
- Even the "hard man" might have been a good guess as he'd already asked about children and been told we had none.
- The house. What he actually might have said is "he said 'you're staying'?" ie, it was a cold reading hook. But frankly, I don't remember.
Second, I really disliked that he moved his chair way too close to mine even when we weren't doing the channeling ritual. I felt very uncomfortable, what with my PTSD sirens going off along with the tinnitus. I wanted to back up but either the chair was too big or I was feeling like I should treat this guy as though I weren't suddenly afraid. The old belief that one shows respect to "good men" by pretending the leftover trauma of "bad men" doesn't exist.
When he rubbed the lemongrass oil into my palms he said it was to calm me down because my energy was so high - I was crying most of the time I was there. Frankly, I didn't want to hear One. More. Person. tell me to fucking calm down.
He tried to fucking up-sell me. He started saying, "We're going to get through this". Like, I should fucking drive forty fucking miles again to sit with a guy who sits too close to me? And is a psychic who can't read my discomfort? Nope. Nopey nopey nope. Aaaaannnnnd .... that underlying river of rage returned. (How do you like the alliteration?) I, who wanted to blurt out 'you're fucking cold reading me' instead took a moment to politely express my disinterest in returning. And he said, "But of course that's okay." A man giving me permission to live my life the way I want to live it. Nice. Just . . . nice.
And finally, unlike the last psychic gal I spoke to on zoom, he didn't explain his process -- ie: wasn't transparent. Simply assumed
that I would "believe" what was happening. To be fair, he did ask if I
had questions but by that time I was so ready to get out of there I just put my jacket on and skedaddled.
Overall
I had the experience I did because I am the person I am.
Others have had and will have other experiences. I went because I heard very positive things. The people who went to him before may not have rape-associated PTSD that gets activated during times of stress. Nor may they have been afflicted with underlying rage and a lifetime of being a rhetorician. Yet, as someone who enjoys her own company, I like being given permission to take two more months off from worrying about whether or not I'm an asshole.
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