Whiny Self Absorption

Here's how I'm feeling this morning:  crappy.

 I want to "let it go" -- my long life with Will -- but it's a challenge.  Yesterday I did almost nothing but watch TV.  I've been sitting and rotting.  I tell myself to get up, call someone, do something, but it all feels so pointless right now.  I have a big list of things to do but I just sit and try not to feel the weight on my heart.  I am trying to love my house or God or my friends as much as I loved "Will+". 

I am no longer necessary to anyone.  If I died tomorrow, people would be sad for a couple of days and then go on with their lives.  I recognize this feeling from childhood - the belief that I have no importance or worse, that my friends don't like me.

I guess that's how it is for many people.  

And I recognize how blessed or lucky I've been.  I was lucky to have Will in my life. I'm grateful to have money and shelter and food.  I feel guilty for feeling so sad, for not being able to pick myself up by my bootstraps.  I am grateful I have not had joint surgery.  I'm grateful not to be in a wheelchair.  I'm grateful I have everything in the world I could possibly need except someone to love. Yet I know that there are people who care about me and who I care about. 

"Don't you want somebody to love.  Don't you need somebody to love."

I want to be rescued but I know that I'm the only one who can rescue myself.  

I've given up being on the list at Touchmark.  Maybe with luck I'll die before I get dementia.  So I have a $2000 check to cash today.  Money should make me happy, shouldn't it?

I trust that eventually God will give me a reason for being alive.  I'm not suicidal.  I'm not self-harming.  I'm just sad and see no reason to be alive other than that I'm alive.  

I'm alive because I'm alive.  Maybe what I need is more of the late Olivia Neutron Bomb.

How do I make myself the "One that I want"?