Well, it seems that just the thought of healing my depression is having a positive effect.
Healing? Is it possible to heal a lifelong experience of spins into despair, spins that started in sixth grade or before? Is it possible that I could cease being quite so fucking neurotic? Well, maybe that won't happen. But it looks like I could get rid of the deeply rooted mix of rage, fear, and self-hatred that have tangled my brain since childhood.
I will be entering into ketamine infusion based therapy in October. It has a high rate of success in "curing" depression and PTSD. I will be going off anti-depressants! Yay! But what do I mean by the thought itself having a positive effect?
Over the weekend I made a relational fox pass (faux pas) of the sort which would have pushed me into self-hatred in the past and possibly resulted in a self-harming incident. Instead, I just said, "Oh, well" and took care of the problem I'd made for myself, managing the embarrassment as "this is the kind of thing an enthusiastic person like me will do on occasion" rather than saying, "Kake, you're a fucking idiot. Stop sticking your neck out. You deserve punishment."
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