Well, I've signed up for three writing classes from the Sarah Lawrence writing lab. Two start in September. Maybe I'll become a writer again. Maybe I care about that. I'm trying to climb out of this slough of despond.
My browser takes me to "Pocket" and its articles and this morning I stumbled across an article about "breadcrumbing" in relationships. While making sure one's web pages have breadcrumbs is vital, it's not so healthy between humans seeking connection.
The article by Amy Beacham lead me to an article in Psychology Today by communication prof Preston Ni, in which he defines breadcrumhing
"Breadcrumbing can be defined as the act of “leading someone on” and “keeping someone’s hopes up” through small and superficial acts of interest, enticement, and flirtation, but ultimately disappointing the individual with false expectations, empty promises, and abandonment (emotional if not physical."
He draws the definition from "Psychological Correlates of Ghosting and Breadcrumbing Experiences: A Preliminary Study among Adults" by Raúl Navarro,* Elisa Larrañaga, Santiago Yubero, and Beatriz Víllora. While these scholars focused on our contemporary world of texting and social media, breadcrumbing is as old as relationships.
I thought about my 25 year relationship with a man I loved and admired and who I realized/didn't realize was keeping me focused with breadcrumbs, dribs and drabs of his attention that cost him nothing. I saw it, didn't see it.
And even today, I miss him, though I haven't seen him or talked with him for over a decade. I miss him even though in our relationship I experienced the five signs of breadcrumbing that Ni warns about:
- Emotional Roller Coaster and Uncertainty
- Relationship Dependence.
- Waiting and Surrendering Power
- Feel Used and Manipulated/Denial
- Loneliness and Emptiness
Right now I am remembering standing in front of the mirror in the butler's pantry in my rental apartment in Salt Lake City, crying, looking at myself in the mirror, and drawing a knife across the skin over my heart because he had promised to go to dinner with me and then backed out of it by telling me it was ridiculous to expect a married man to go to dinner with a woman.
My therapist in 2012, after I'd ended the relationship, told me that this man had "targeted me" as a desperate, frightened student who could be easily seduced into his game of being desired.
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