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Iona Abbey - My picture

I reported this to the Widowhood Sisters on Facebook:

The second part of this post contains of list of things that helped me on my grief journey.

 

I (2 1/2 years out) am back in Central Oregon from my first non-tour-group, self-booked overseas travel adventure. It was something I made myself set up last January and involved three major events: a 9 hour tour of the fictitious County of Midsomer, a 6 day spiritual retreat in the Abbey on the Isle of Iona, and a stopover in San Francisco to see the new opera, Innocence, before flying home. I made sure to include "buffer days" in case travel got cancelled and since it wasn't (except a train trip picked up by a separate company), I enjoyed visits to some wonderful art museums. (My spouse and I were art and opera people.) 

 

When I got to Iona I had a few grief tsunamis, in part because I was so stressed out about going from my very quiet introvert life to sharing 3 meals a day with 60 people. But the staff there were incredibly understanding and comforting. (And the spiritual director, out there on that distant island, turned out to be a gal from a city just 128 miles from me.)

 

Overall, though sometimes difficult, it was a wonderful trip during which I learned a lot about myself, my late spouse, and my grief journey. When I did all the planning back in January, I was still in deep grief but I knew I wanted the two UK adventures. While living at the Abbey turned out to be more challenging than I expected, it was interesting to me to find out I enjoyed going to ecumenical church services twice a day (9am, 9pm) in an unheated 700 year stone church.

 

I am not a "positivity" and "think your way through" kind of person. Up until this last April, I was pretty much crying every day. But then things started shifting inside. And now I feel like the great, heavy burden of the grief has lifted. I still miss my husband very much but my center feels more solid. I didn't even cry when I got home and he wasn't physically present. Maybe because I have more faith that his spirit is still with me. 

 

Here are some of things that I did over the past 2 1/2 years that I think helped me the most 

 

1) I cried when I needed to cry, no matter who was around or where I was. (My joke about that is I always apologized to the server by saying, 'it's not about the food'.) 

 

2) I worked with a grief therapist, joined grief groups, and read a bit about grief (though for two years I couldn't tackle anything more than a few pages long)

 

3) I avoided saying, 'I'm fine' when it wasn't true - as the saying of my age group was when we were young, I 'let it all hang out.' 

 

4) When financially possible, I pushed myself to experience long-desired adventures (6 months after he died I went on a Viking tour to see the pandemic-delayed Passionsspiel at Oberamergau, a theatrical event I'd wanted to see since youth)

 

5) One of the toughest things -- I walked away from judgemental friends and non-sustaining relationships.

 

6) I blogged.

 

7) I remained a "tattooed church lady" (my own name for myself) doing altar guild and being a reader.

 

8 ) I kept my faith even though many of my prayers in the beginning of my widowhood sounded something like, "Oh Holy Lord, WTF?" (This was because I had grieved through seven years of dementia care and thought I wouldn't have such severe grief in widowhood.)

 

I hope my list provides some help to those who are where I was as late as six months ago.

 

 "It gets better".