A Shift

Something in me has definitely shifted. Two events that would have sent me into a grief spiral six months ago have not as yet evoked a tear and I'm not sure why not.

The symbol of John the Evangelist

The weekend held two deaths, one expected, one completely unexpected.

My dear friend Judy's husband Phil "finally" died, after over twenty years of being "close" to the Reaper.  It was her care for him that kept him alive for so long. He transitioned over the weekend with family and friends close by. I care for her a great deal and feel sadness for her. But I didn't cry.

Also this weekend a new friend, Carol, died unexpectedly. I had just begun reaching out to her before I left for Scotland and had actually emailed her last week to get together again for lunch. I had thought I had a "new" friend in adulthood because when I took her to lunch we had a great conversation about our past lives and she said she enjoyed talking with me and we should do it again. And last week we were just planning a lunch and then sometime Saturday night she died in her chair and her son with whom she lived found her body sitting there on Sunday morning.  

I am sad for this loss but I haven't cried. 

Six months ago such losses would have triggered buckets of tears.

I think I may have gained strength from my trip overseas. I don't really have a cognitive explanation. Maybe it's just the body and time. My being in time. (Shout out to Marty Heidegger ).

So much goes on in the body/brain that is not available to the front brain, the neocortex. So I don't really understand where I'm at right now but unlike six months ago, I am not worried about it. 

I guess that my "faith" has kicked in at a subatomic or at least a limbic level. I accept that I'm okay as I am and it's okay for other people to think I'm difficult because I can be. Will's presence in my life used to protect me from some of the consequences of my being who I am. I have this moderately disordered brain that feels some things too much and some things too little - that has difficulty with knowing how to deal with other people without a carefully controlled context. In the past I could go hug Will and feel loved no matter how fucked up was the thing I did or said.

In the Sanctuary of St. John the Divine, Oban

One of the Tuesday group people said I was "brave" to go traveling on my own and I said what feels brave to me is going up to talk to someone at coffee hour.

The photograph is the interior of an unfinished Episcopal Cathedral in Oban. It represents how I feel about myself now. I'm unfinished and need support but am comfortable remaining unfinished.