The Good Narcissist

So I took a 150 point hand assessed Likert-like scale for narcissism, by suggestion of Brittney, baby therapist.  Yesterday we talked a little about it. We agreed that this kind of test has a certain level of bogosity thrown in (because of language use, time and place issues) as all "personality" type tests do. Nevertheless, she did the clustering of the 15 basic items being looked for and told me that my top five, especially the numero uno, were far above the other scores.  And seeing my bottom five made me feel good.

So, top scoring personality aspect?

"Shame: concerning shame or humiliation in response to perceived slights, criticism, failure, or rebuke."

Yup.  As some influencer noted, "the kryptonite of the narcissist." After so so many years of working to deal with this particular aspect of Self, it's ba-a-a-a-ack. I don't know how many of my many, many therapists have told me that my language and my attitudes towards others reveals a great sense of shame and it's my fear of shame that sometimes gets me to feel depressed. And, yes, I'm going to agree. When I look back at my life, most of my cutting incidents have been related to shame, to the sense that I've made some terrible mistake in my relationship with others. It turns out I have a huge fear of being humiliated by doing the wrong thing. There's a part of my brain that understands every criticism of me as a death threat.

The famous Mike Ryerson photo of Portland Mayor Bud Clark

Therapist Phil, back in 2014, told me that my fear of being shamed was actually what lead to my "shameless" sexual behaviors. The way he explained it was that someone who was so afraid of feeling shame would purposefully do things others would consider shameless as a way of showing she was in charge of shame.  So, control is also a big issue.

"Exhibitionism: a seeking of constant admiration, showing off when in the presence of others, and attention-seeking, without reference to feelings of insecurity."

I laughed when I saw this one because, yes, that is a big characteristic of mine and I will totally own it. "Lookit me, lookit me, lookit me" is certainly a big part of who I've always been.

"Reactive Anger: concerning anger and rage in response to perceived slights, criticism, failure, or rebuke."

This is part of my reality since caregiving. I don't think I was that reactive when I was working, at least most of the time. And certainly not in my classrooms (at least not once I completed my PhD). And since widowhood I've been far too angry far too much of the time and very reactive. I don't like it.  It feels like it did when I was young, when the fires of rage could just consume my mind. My reactive anger is why I accidentally cut my radial artery. Little things can set me off. 

"Need for Admiration: involving a sense of inner weakness, uncertainty and insecurity with respect to a desired or perceived greatness."

Yup. This is like my exhibitionism. I like being special and it's because in my heart I feel like I am nothing and of no consequence. Especially now that Will is dead there is no one to whom I am special. And as I look at my life, I see a person who has enjoyed being the first one in class to raise my hand, the one who understands what the teacher wants and gives it to them. I like having the poem everyone admires. 

"Authoritativeness: assessing a tendency to take charge of situations, to authoritatively take responsibility for making decisions, and to perceive oneself as a leader."

This is one of those "if I have to" issues. I would really prefer anyone else be in charge but if it's necessary, I'm like my Mom and can step in and gets the cats organized. Also, I can have a loud voice and commanding presence when I want to, in spite of my lack of height.

So much for my top five characteristics.  We'll look at these a bit more next week but one thing Brittney said was that she sees these top five as also about a need for connection (that's her big theme for me, by the way). She also noted that these five aspects were about my need for control.  Oh, yes.  I have a hu-u-u-ge need for control. Well, I don't "trust" the world.

The best thing about the scoring, however, was that I scored the lowest in what I consider the worst qualities of the narcissist: lack of empathy, manipulativeness, indifference, and exploitativeness. 

The way Brittney talked about narcissism was that a pure narcissist would feel like they deserved having everyone in the room focusing all the caring on them and do whatever they needed to do to get that. She said that I simply seemed to want connection from someone, somewhere. I want to be special but I don't want to take away anyone else's specialness.

So, I'm not sure what the next steps are. But I do know they will involve talking about myself so they will be fun.