CW Triggers

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

That dang ole Ronnie Milsap and his voice.  Dang ole Kris Kristofferson and his writing skills. 

Those guys made me cry on the way to the Haven this morning. One of their songs turned up on a favorite Sirius station.  Which one of the three CW buttons on my list it was - Outlaw Country, Bakersfield Beat, or Willie's Roadhouse -- I don't recall. But I started crying in the car on the line, "Please don't tell me how the story ends."  The lyric led me to thinking about the last time Will and I made love (in 2014) and how I didn't know it was the last time. And then I missed Will. And then the years of the misery of care-giving came back and then I just waited for the next song, which wasn't as sad.

I appreciate the sorrow and humor of classic CW tunes.  Like the ironies in a song that will always bring me to tears, the George Jones hit "He Stopped Loving Her Today."

He said, "I'll love you till I die"
She told him, "You'll forget in time"
As the years went slowly by
She still preyed upon his mind

  . . .

I went to see him just today
Oh, but I didn't see no tears
All dressed up to go away
First time I'd seen him smile in years

 . . .

He stopped loving her today
They placed a wreath upon his door
And soon they'll carry him away
He stopped loving her today

Songwriters: Bobby Braddock / Curly Putman

 Happily enough, CW music also has happiness triggers! I worked in CW radio when the Outlaws were penning some of their greatest hits.  One of which gave me and still gives me the sense that people like me have made spaces for themselves in the world before.  Look at these lyrics by the late, great outlaw Waylon Jennings, "I've Always Been Crazy" 

 I've always been crazy and the trouble that it's put me through
Been busted for things that I did, and I didn't do
I can't say I'm proud of all of the things that I've done
But I can say I've never intentionally hurt anyone

I've always been different with one foot over the line
Winding up somewhere one step ahead or behind
It ain't been so easy but I guess I shouldn't complain
I've always been crazy but it's kept me from going insane

Beautiful lady are you sure that you understand
The chances you're taking loving a free living man
Are you really sure you really want what you see
Be careful of something that's just what you want it to be

I've always been crazy but it's kept me from going insane
Nobody knows if it's something to bless or to blame
So far I ain't found a rhyme or a reason to change
I've always been crazy but it's kept me from going insane.

Those lyrics pretty much articulate where I'm at right now. I met with therapist Sarah yesterday and we agreed that currently I feel like I am where I am meant to be. I am in alignment. We were talking about my weekend experiences of being the loud one in the room and how there are people who can ask me to tone it down and I accept it without feeling bad about myself because they are delivering the message with love but there are also people who tell me the same type of thing in a mean voice with a mean face and those people can just go fuck themselves as I'm no longer going to interact with them period. Sarah hugged me when I told her I am no longer chasing people who try to shame me for being myself. 

One neurosis down, how many to go? (Looks like we got us a convoy!)