Today

was a hard day.  

Photo by Joseph Barrientos on Unsplash

I was in serious emotional pain and then my mind went into the loop of hating myself because I felt ashamed of my pain. And then I wanted to cut myself to get out of the loop.  Finally, I texted Sarah and told her that while I wasn't cutting myself I really, really, wanted to.  She called a little later, just before my dishwasher shift at Family Kitchen, and reminded me that this was an old script and that I am creating a new brain that doesn't need to fall into the old script. She told me to look at a familiar positive picture of Will when I got home to take the image of his death out of my head. She reminded me that Agnes the Velociraptor has my back.  So I kept crying through my first hour of dishwashing and then my brain settled down for the next two hours. I put a piece of paper towel in one ear so I wouldn't hear the fucking Christmas music and listened to OTR detective radio through my hearing aid. It was a pretty easy night as there were only two pans with serious baked on stuff. Now I'm home, drinking American whiskey and will watch a little TV before going to bed with my dog.