Saving the World

photo by Louis Maniquet on Unsplash

 In this morning's sermon discussion group, we talked about Jed's 8:00 sermon which ended with the peroration that we should all be doing something to bring abut the kingdom of God on earth and that while the world needs saving, we aren't supposed to think we have to do it all ourselves.

I was remembering back in 1980 when I was also stuck and depressed and trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I'd graduated, gone out into the world, and then in an attempt to get work outside of Idaho, I ran into a nervous breakdown and my first recognizable major depression*.  I did little in the world until 1979 when I went to work at McDonald's. During my McDonald's time, I knew it wasn't a career but I didn't know what to do.  I wanted to do work that could save the world but couldn't see how.

I told Will that this was my thinking and he asked me, "Wouldn't it be enough to just save one person?" meaning himself.

Well, I did that.

And now he's not here to help me figure out what to do now that he's not here.

I was told today (as if I needed to be told) that TMS makes people more emotional.

So, I've gone from being a regularly Def Con 2 emotional person to Def Con 5.  Yay.

The good thing is that all this emotion is no longer accompanied by, "Oh, fuck, why am I such an emotional person.  Why can't I be normal?  Why am I such an asshole?  I can't stand this pain.  I'm weak." 

In youth, I wanted to be Sherlock Holmes or Spock.  I hungered to not feel all the stuff I was feeling.  

I don't think that way now.  I don't hate myself for having strong emotions anymore but they are exhausting and tend to increase my self absorption.  

* I say "recognizable" because, while I'd been having suicidal ideations since childhood, I hadn't had months where I was unable to leave the house before.