crying/Laughing

 Dear Will:

Monday morning, almost a year from your death and the wound of your abscence  tore open again.  Will this pain ever stop? 

----- one hour later -----

So...Dr. Netflix told me to watch Ramesh Ranganathan and I feel way better now. I appreciate his worldview.

I'll survive, even if I have those dark hours when I don't know why.  I might even thrive, once I get past this month.

There is nothing stopping me from thriving but 

what?

This is what I'm not sure of.  So, time for The Widow's Guide to "What Color is my Parachute"

It hasn't been written yet, sadly.

Reading books feels like homework without the joy of receiving recognition for one's intelligence and hard work. My friends who gave me books to help me in my sorrow actually imagined that I had the focus to get through Didion or Oates...I basically dipped in to each, reading a paragraph here, a paragraph there.

Everything is helpful but nothing is existentially helpful because I just need to go through this grief thing physically and this morning that included walking in circles through living/dining room and howling.  

I will always love you and miss your well self.  But I need to live in reality to be happy.

kake