Who is this new person?

 One of my challenges, since Will's death, has been to figure out who Kake (a.k.a. Huck, Doc Huck, Karen Huck, Kakie) is.

Yesterday, for the first time, I said out loud, "I've been spontaneous."  Meaning, that in all my "work" on the house, I have jumped into decisions quickly.  

I mean, let's look at the house decision.  They're carrying the body out of the house and I decided, "I won't sell."  And I decided, "It's now my fucking house.  I can do whatever I want with it." 

It's been a process of quick decision making - sometimes the decisions have barely felt like decisions - like the ripping out of the old carpet.  Of course that had to happen.

But the paint - such quick decisions.  

And no fucking about with designers.  No spending my money on other people's decisions.  Although I have taken advice from friends (hence the seafoam living room).

I have always before ranked VERY low on the personality trait of spontaneity.  

So, as I've been observing myself, I've noticed the following characteristics:

1. More spontaneous than I thought.
2. Fluctuating between reckless spending and frugality (oh, the two pendant lights - the cheap Lowes light and the very expensive MOMA light)
3. I still like Dad jokes and vaudeville of all kinds (except Jackass maneuvers that treat others like marks.)
4. My mind still makes sexual puns when certain words turn up in conversation, though I no longer have to say everything out loud,  (Inside me is a Beavis or Butthead - heh heh heh)
5. I'm comfortable with plenty of alone time (thank goodness) as long as I know I can call a friend if I need to.
6. I enjoy performing (still a lector at church and someday will go back to poetry reading)
7. I am still a rhetorician - I cannot watch or listen to news or entertainment without noting the persuasion techniques being used to create certain emotions and ideas.  (This is one reason I avoid the news -- the other being that it's just fucking depressing.)
8. "Fuck" is still one of my favorite words. It's a nice, obscene word that has many uses.  In my moral universe, obscenity is moral while profanity is not.  I still believe that it's inappropriate for me to use words that suggest curses - damn and hell.  Anything that calls upon the Holy Mystery to hurt others in anathema to me.  This is due to my interpretation of the commandment not to take the Lord's name in vain).   I've taken to saying, "Well, fuck me" when something goes wrong or I stub my toe.  

  I'm still unsure about the whole gender thing.  And really, I don't think it matters that much except where sexual behavior is concerned.  But then there's also politics.  Is it more politically appropriate for me to identify as female?  Or non-binary?  I don't know.  I haven't had a uterus or ovaries since the late 70s so generally I think of myself as a eunuch.  That's kind of fun when Acts 8:26-40 pops up.

I'm also unsure of my "purpose."  I don't have life goals for this third act.  I know I'm "called" but to do what hasn't been revealed as yet.  I trust that it will be.  

My new dining area

The Jetson's dining room