So I've been off and on having a challenging time this summer. Travel has been great but whenever I've been in Bend I've not been healthy. Lately, the negative self esteem has been riding me pretty hard along with the grief and my fear and anxiety.
I started crying at the beach and since then each day has had a period of tears. The trigger? Watching three Bette Davis movies on TCM - including a 30s mob movie I'd never seen, in which she plays a hooker and Humphrey Bogart is the fighting district attorney who talks her into being a snitch (and yes, she did get stitches). And then listening to a TCM podcast about John Ford. The presence of Will's non-presence was ... well ... present.
My grief therapist reminded me that grief comes in waves and that I am not a monster. She understands that when she says nice things about me and my brain is in a particular place, I deny them. Nevertheless, I trust her so she must think that I am not a monster. And she's someone I tell everything to. Including that I don't believe her when she says I'm a human being. Then we laugh together because of the mental gymnastics my brain does that are not healthful for me. And then I feel easier when I can bring my present reality to the light -- I feel like the heaviness dissipates.
I wish my brain didn't have this need to hate myself. If I retry psilocybin I will use this as a target -- my narcissistic self loathing.
The new puppy should help with that as well. And I have more work to make the house puppified. I have to redo the puppy gate and put the gate with a cat door onto the cat's closet. Also want to go through the huge tangle of dead (?) technology, figure out what wires I need and what I don't, which means having to finally get the two VCR/DVD players set up. I want to watch the video of our Russia trip and see if Will is on it. I think we watched it shortly after our trip at a party?
Which reminds me I've also never watched my '89 Quake video.
Ah. I see I'm drifting. Back to John Barnaby and Death By Persuasion, a wonderful blend of Austen idolatry and technophobia focused on drones. 
ITV's Bentley production, Midsomer Murders S19E5
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