Better

One of these will be my new best friend.

After posting yesterday and then going to meet with Sarah, my grief therapist, I felt much better. I'm still having trouble with my reactivity to disappointment and she explained to me that my emotion was anxiety about losing control. I have huge mental issues around control. This might arise from being tied up to be babysat when I was a kid.  Might not. Maybe everything I'm experiencing is normal and I just haven't heard people talk about it.

I still have a big interior desire to feel safe and being out of control in any way is problematic for me. My logical brain knows this is ridiculous because life isn't safe or predictable. I am not in control of much outside of my house and inside my house, well, I have a cat.

I'm okay when I can let go and let God, when I'm not worrying about what is happening next. When I'm high. Sarah told me I can use the skills I use when I travel to take care of myself when not traveling. I'm fully able to manage the difficulties of traveling by myself even when, as I showed yesterday, I'm in full-on grief tsunami.  I can drive and cry. And I can be having fun and still cry. Unfortunately, not traveling means I'm in Bend where I don't fit in.

I am okay with crying every few days. I miss well Will. Sometimes I even miss sick Will. And every week at least once I have the memory of putting my hand on the cold, embalmed face of Dead Will because that was the last time I saw him. So crying is okay. Crying is normal and natural for the kind of widow I am.  What is still challenging are these other mental things:

1) I continue to have trouble caring about what I am doing in the world. I would like to care about writing enough to deal with the discomfort of writing and the promise of cruel and biting comments if I ever put it into the world. This is ridiculous because no one actually cares about my writing. So I wouldn't get negative reviews because I wouldn't get ANY reviews. 

 I would like to care about the suffering of others enough to deal with the discomfort of volunteering around other people and working in the chaos that is part of many volunteer organizations. At least with this issue, I have money that I can put in my place.

I don't understand why my "will do" isn't stronger than my "won't do." I don't understand why wanting to do something doesn't provide me with enough mental energy to actually do it, if the "it" is uncomfortable and challenging.

 I have no motivation.

2) And then when I AM motivated, when I DO care about what I'm doing, I freak the fuck out when things go wrong. I react to rejection in such a huge way.  Even tiny things.  Like I'm probably not getting into a COCC class on which, for some reason, my brain had based my entire fall writing project on.  My brain kept telling me, "OK, I'll take this class and get the motivation, being around other people, to continue with one of the novels." So when I found out Tuesday that I probably wouldn't get in, my brain started telling me how terrible I was, how I'd never do anything worthwhile, and why did I even bother trying? 

Would Eyegor please steal me a different brain?

But no need to worry about me.  I'm fine.

And I will soon have a baby to take care of and won't have time for anymore of this whining.