A Better than Medium, Medium

 

You with June Jhumpa

Dear Will --

Were you really floating around last Sunday when I talked with the medium from Texas through Google meet?  Some of the images she grabbed from her mind sounded just like you and some things had nothing to do with you. What I liked was that the meeting didn't have the quality of a cold reading. She presented like the "real thing:" in other words, there was a slight spaciness and distractedness in her behaviors and a sense of actual listening.

One thing that made this quite different from the other readings I've had is that she began and ended with a strongly Christian prayer.

There were a few things that were left field, like the comments about Native American Art (she saw the feather on the wall behind me) and looking at Mt. St. Helens.

But there was so much that felt like you before the dementia. I'll just list a few things.

1. Loving to laugh at a fun joke and loving musicals and humor. She even mentioned The Carol Burnett Show, one of your favorites. And then she had you sharing some humor. She said that you were saying, "You gave me a pretty good send off" referencing the funeral and then you showed her a picture of Mr. Bill on a rocket ship.  I thought, "Yes!" Then she said you said that you had "touched space". She said you lectured a bit on the nature of comedy, saying some could be controversial.  And THEN, she mentioned "treasured moments at home" and said you "wished you'd read more books" which I thought very funny on your part. Through the years of dementia I forgot  all the humor in our lives before then. I'm so glad you got her to remind me.
   
2. You said I made good bread, which I used to do. One of my few household accomplishments.
3. She saw you walking everywhere, but confused it, briefly, with hiking.
4. You said we had a comfortable routine for our lives.
5. You told her "she was very good to me" and that I did a good job caring for you. You talked about medications.
6. You said the times that were your favorite were talking about books and enjoying the beauty of the day to day.
7. You told her you would have had no social life without me. You said, "I just like to stay home."
8. You said you miss the physicality of life and my physicality. This was so true of you. You were always physically present in the world far more than I was. That's behind your gardening and cooking abilities.
   
9. She said you were proud that we were "walking together" and said, "That's my girl". And then she said you used a phrase I never heard you use but that fit our relationship - that I was "Dusting off an old penny." I think that's not an old saying but something you made up that is an indication of our age relationship.
   
10. She said you patted your lap like you were calling an animal and then said that I was the primary caretaker of the animal and you just got to enjoy it. (I figured this was about Princess Birdy or, really, any of the animals, including Max, our first.)
    

There were a couple of comments that echoed two previous mediums:

1. You want me to be happy, not sad. This could be a cold reading statement (pretty traditional to want widows to "move on.") But it also makes sense as you always wanted me to be in good spirits. You held me when I cried. I'm crying now as I write this in my beautiful shared office above the Deschutes. But the tears feel natural, not weighted down with self-neglect. I think these are the beautiful tears I'm going to be crying until we next meet.
   
2. You want me to get outside more. Each of the three previous readers, including the bad man from La Pine, said this. Pretty easy thing to say to someone living in Central Oregon. (But I don't think she knew where I lived as she talked to me as though I were in the same time zone.)
   

The most powerful moments, which could have been you or her doing her cold reading best, was when she said she was overwhelmed by a feeling of powerful love directed toward me. You said, "I found her." Several times she said your love for me was pouring through. She said that you were waiting for me on the other side and I hope that's true. I've sometimes thought that we were together before this life. It's such a blessing to imagine you waiting (with Miss Birdy) to welcome me across the rainbow bridge .

She said that you are always with me. What a blessing that is. I will try to feel it more.

It was so helpful to get this reading and then go and see my friend K. the next day. You remember K. although I know you weren't a fan. You weren't a fan of many of the people I knew. But then, you weren't a fan of many people, period. Whereas I did my best to Will Rogers my way through life, trying to treat everyone I met as someone I liked. We were an odd couple but God made us for each other.

When she asked, "Do you have any questions" all I could think of was to ask if you were OK and she said you said, "Very okay." 

The conversation reminded me of my friend Bob's vision of God -- that it is a great ball of souls in loving embrace. You didn't like Bob much either (remember that time you yelled at him in front of that meeting?).

Some of my sadness is because our lives could have been so much less complicated if you'd been able to verbally express your affection for me. But you weren't. And it wasn't. All blood under the bridge now.

It's funny for me to think that, after all my years of denying my ancestors' theology, I might end up married "for time and eternity". 

I'm still missing you but I'm feeling much freer. 

Love, always,

Kake