I went out last night with a group of friends friends and found I wasn't quite ready for that as yet. I was invited with a big group of these friends' friends to play trivia at a bar. I found I couldn't get into it, couldn't get past the sadness that's been hanging around my head since I got back from Europe.
I know that I am in charge of my own happiness. I understand that in some way I can "choose" to be happy. Yet I just couldn't get into the fun last night. My head ached as soon as I started drinking. And there was so much noise and with my hearing loss, trying to fight my understanding through the noise was a bit of a challenge. But mostly, I wasn't having "fun" and I didn't see a purpose for my being there.
I also knew my dog was feeling lonely at home.
I go back to the Family Kitchen tonight to wash dishes for a few hours. I haven't been a volunteer since 2020 when I backed out early on in fear of the virus. Volunteering will be good for me, give me a bit more sense of purpose.
That's one problem right now -- little purpose and little meaning. I have everything else anyone needs for happiness -- shelter, food, friends. But I'm not sure why I'm still on the planet. I do assume that at some point it will be made clear to me if I keep forging ahead.
In the meantime, I'll go ahead and enjoy what I enjoy. For example, there's more floor space in the house now that I've been picking things up! I like space, one thing I won't have in an apartment. So as I fix up the house, I will enjoy all this space.
This Saturday I'll be back in an online classroom with Vanessa, a writing teacher at Sarah Lawrence. I've taken a class from her before. We'll see whether or not I can stay in it.
I still haven't moved my sleeping upstairs. I'm not sure why not. The mattress is there, my clothes are there. Maybe tonight? Or it might be too hot tonight.
These are the weighty issues with which I'm dealing.
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