Good Days Bad Days

 

So, I had a good week last week as I prepared for the book sale.  I ran it from 8:00 until 2:00 on Saturday and made almost enough money to have the leftover books hauled away yesterday by College Hunks Hauling Junk.  I think I made about $250 and it cost $350 to have the leftover hauled.  I was so tired at 2:00 that I almost called up my friend who was having a cooking party at her house and bailed.  BUT, I didn't.  Instead I did some self-care.  I lit up a doobie, got into a hot bath, and watched an episode of Perry Mason.  In other words, I meditated.

Then I went to the marvelous party, drank cocktails, and paid no attention at all to the recipes.  It was great to be with friends.

Now, as I've remarked before, I seem to move forward by days of work followed by crashes.  I started to crash on Sunday in church.  I was up for reading the epistle and prayers of the people but when I got to the request for prayers for the dead my mind did a little hiccup.  Later after the Eucharist my eyes started welling then my shoulders started going until I was full on crying but stifling the sobs.  After the dismissal I felt a hand around my shoulder and one on my leg holding me as I continued to silently heave.  After several seconds the big wave passed.

I haven't been able to do much since then.  TV.  Dog walks.  We had a good discussion in EFM.  I spent hours selecting a place to stay in May.  I've spent hours looking at lighting fixtures, trying to make a decision.  I'm avoiding taking care of the taxes.  Last night I started a class on German and I couldn't follow the assignments, it was all too hard, so I walked out then noticed I'd dropped my wallet and had to go back, further embarrasing myself.  Then I started crying in the car.  Have been crying this morning.  Cried during my yoga session with my friend yogini Ruth Anne.  Cried in the car in the parking lot of the Haven.

So it was helpful for me to plan to take classes.  That's one way I've made sense of my life in the past.  But somehow the classroom is no longer my happy place.

I have faith that somehow the Divine will let me know what I'm to do next.  It doesn't seem to be school right now.  It does seem, as I look at the now scared calls, to have something to do with ripping down wallpaper.