Wow - Good Work Today

 Sarah and I did some good but exhausting work today.

Byzantine devil

We were both deeply present and I talked with her more honestly than I have with other therapists.

We had an interesting discussion about the concept of "worthiness."  She was thinking/saying that my core issue is that I don't feel "worthy" and for me the core issue is "i am bad".  She thought they meant the same thing but for me they don't.  Not being "worthy" suggests or connotes to me that there is an "average" person (B student) who can't become extra special, ie, get the A.  On the other hand,  being a bad person means that one is starting below the average line - that being bad is an F for Failure student of life.

Can I get rid of the core source of my depression? Can I stop the despair cycle?

It would be nice to be healed, like the stooped woman. Luke 13.  Pastor Joseph Yoo had a great, one minute sermon on that in which he identified mental self wounding as analogous to the physical image of the bent over woman.

At one point today I got very angry with Sarah and instead of hiding my anger I told her. She saw the anger as a defensive move. I saw it as something else but we were able to process it and I stood my ground and was honest with her.

See, along with my core belief against myself, I also believe that no one (but Will) is dependable over time and that loving someone is no proof that the very next day after they tell you that you can count on them forever they will not walk out on you and call you toxic and abusive. How somebody is to me today is no proof that they will be that way tomorrow. People are not the sun.  

It feels risky to be as honest as I'm being with Sarah. But it's riskier not to be. 

I remember doing therapy with Phil and how even though we did good work together, some of it got ruined by his stupid Jungian insistence that I was feminine.  I told Sarah today that at one point my brain was telling me that "What if Sarah is like every other therapist and wants to force me into her framework." She was able to hear me and not get defensive, unlike past therapists.