Better With God's Help

Yesterday I had brief interactions with two old friends (separately) who let me know they don't have any time for me anymore. 

It didn't break me.  (confetti toss, trumpet voluntary)

I did wind up crying for a couple of hours, off and on, but my chest didn't tighten and I didn't seek to harm myself.  I still want to tell each of them how sad they "make" me but I know it's only me making me sad. So I won't tell them. I'll write about it here because I know neither of them reads this. 

my mom used to climb these little hills

Not having my chest tighten was probably the result of the praying I've been doing. I've asked God to soften my heart.  I no longer have any anger at people who don't want to be with me. I understand it.

People want to be around someone who is cheerful and amiable. That's what dead Kathy told me.

Also, young people don't want to be around an old person, and other old people don't want to be around a sad old person.

So I'm doing my best to construct someone likable and happy go lucky.  It's not easy, especially when the tears are ready, especially when seeing people I love who don't love me back and are smiling at me and hugging me and then walking away as if the hug wasn't just like a slap.  But I understand that I'm sad and crazy and difficult and accept that people don't want to be around that. Also, when I do feel good, so many of the jokes that pop into my head are NSFW so I shut the fuck up rather than sharing.  This choice, while respectful, also reminds me that I don't fit in with the people I spend most of my time with.

Kathy would tell me it doesn't matter.  Just suck it up.  Accept the crumbs and call them a meal. That's what loving Jesus is supposed to do -- turn all the emotional love crumbs into a satisfying lunch. I've been praying on that, too. If God wants me to stay alive, I pray, "give me energy and tell me what the actual fuck I'm supposed to be doing."

I know that most everyone on earth has it worse than I.  I am very lucky and privileged to have warmth and food and safety and two poodles. And a cat.  It helps to remind myself of that. It's my narcissism that makes me want people who love me for myself.

Thank God for Diana (hi!). When I was broken on January 3 when I saw what I saw on FB and wanted so much just for the hurting to stop and the only way I knew to do that was to hurt myself, she called me and showed me that there was one person who liked me as I am and that I don't have to build someone to be with her.  I told her how most of my life I have prayed to be somebody different and she told me not to make such a prayer.  She told me I wasn't terrible.  Thank you, Diana.  And thank you again for the wonderful cup that expresses our friendship.

Diana rescued me, which is something broken EType4s seek.  And I recognize that right now I am not healthy.*

The problem is, of course, that I have to want to rescue myself, as I've been told over and over (and over and over and over and over). I need to grow a pair.  But where do I get the energy to want to do that?  I have money, so no need to do anything to get money.  There is no one who needs or depends on me except my animals and today I'll contact my lawyer to make sure to change the care person to my friend Lilli Ann -- she grew up with poodles and I trust her to know how to place one, should I die before them.  

"Now you have all the time to do what you love.  Just do what you love."

And what is that? What do I love to do besides get high and take hot baths like the captain of the Golgafrinchan Ark Fleet Ship B? In the past I've done art and written.

But what good is a collage if I can't show it to Will? What good is a poem if I can't read it to Will?  

Nevertheless, I keep trying to do things.  I keep taking classes. I keep blogging. I keep trying to surface.

But here's the Catch22 -- I have to be healthy enough to have the energy to rescue myself from my lack of health. How do I get the energy to rescue myself when I need to be rescued? I'll pray on it.

So, as the title says, I'm better.  Lots, lots better.  I'm not angry all the time.  I have had weeks during which I didn't cry (not lately but it's winter so wadayagonnado). I will get through this next month (the anniversaries of the rape and the family tragedy) by remaining in my addiction and then maybe, when spring comes, I'll try again to become mentally healthy and get off the pipe. We'll see. According to my previous calculations, I still have a year and a half for serious grief.

One thing I've learned during this grief journey is that it's not wise to make predictions.  And that's okay. What will be will be.  If God wants me to be more functional, the Good Lord will provide ways for that to happen.

You can't hurry God.  "He may not come when you want Him but he's right on time."

 

 

 

 

* From the Enneagram website

Unhealthy Levels

Level 7: When dreams fail, become self-inhibiting and angry at self, depressed and alienated from self and others, blocked and emotionally paralyzed. Ashamed of self, fatigued and unable to function.

Level 8: Tormented by delusional self-contempt, self-reproaches, self-hatred, and morbid thoughts: everything is a source of torment. Blaming others, they drive away anyone who tries to help them.

Level 9: Despairing, feel hopeless and become self-destructive, possibly abusing alcohol or drugs to escape. In the extreme: emotional breakdown or suicide is likely. Generally corresponds to the Avoidant, Depressive, and Narcissistic personality disorders.

when what I want to be is healthy:

Healthy Levels

Level 1 (At Their Best): Profoundly creative, expressing the personal and the universal, possibly in a work of art. Inspired, self-renewing and regenerating: able to transform all their experiences into something valuable: self-creative.

Level 2: Self-aware, introspective, on the “search for self,” aware of feelings and inner impulses. Sensitive and intuitive both to self and others: gentle, tactful, compassionate.

Level 3: Highly personal, individualistic, “true to self.” Self-revealing, emotionally honest, humane. Ironic view of self and life: can be serious and funny, vulnerable and emotionally strong.