Downtimes

 Dear Will --

I've been going in to the office but only during the hours I set when you were alive. I haven't been able to write anything worthwhile, anything toward the memoir this week.  I've been stuck, interacting with screens too much - too much Charlotte Dobre, Tank Tolman, and others.

by Marissa at Jessee Monuments, Powell Butte

I don't completely understand how I'm living my life. I'm trying to believe in my ability to recoup. This week has been hard I think because it was a response to last week's travel, tombstone placement, and altar guilding both Saturday and Sunday. The work wasn't hard but I wanted to be "up" for it but this week has been a challenge. I've cried and hurt a lot. 

I went to a grief group yesterday.  For some reason right now it's helpful to be in a group with people hit and hurt "worse than" I.  At least I perceive it that way. But then I have a mind that does that comparison thing. 

My mom used to tell me, whenever I complained about my privileged life, "I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet." That is, I should always be aware that however bad my life feels, it is always much better than someone elses.

A lot of the time that works, at least on a cognitive level. But sometimes my emotions simply overwhelm my ability to think reasonably.

Well, you know that only too well. It's why I'm writing to you now, because of my love and grief not letting me let you go. It was a bone of contention through much of our marriage because I needed more verbal intimacy than you could give me. And it was why I could care for you until you died, because my love overwhelmed my fear, anxiety, and reasoning. Throughout our relationship you couldn't really grok what I was talking about when I talked about complex emotions and the subconscious and all that. I used to blame you because I thought you were choosing to hide yourself from me. I thought you were choosing to not see me, to make me invisible. I was so angry. That's one of the reasons I made connections with others -- because I needed to be able to express my rage.  I needed to be with people who seemed like they could see me when you wouldn't.

If I had known it was a matter of you "couldn't" rather than "wouldn't" would it have made a difference to my 20something self?

I don't know. She is so far away, the past so past.

Speaking of connections, were you flashing me a couple of weeks ago? I was just nodding off in front of my giant telly, between wakefulness and sleep, when I saw you out of the corner of my eye - you before 2015. For a moment the past and present collided - and then the visitation was over. 

I love those milleseconds when the last  9 years disappear.

Love always.