Drama - yuck

photo by hidefumi ohmichi on Unsplash

 I talked with a friend (A) yesterday who had experienced a weird communication from the friend I "broke up with" back in January (B).  I told her about the break up and then reassured her that friend B was a good person but that I had grown afraid of him because of my interpretations of his communication behaviors.

I kind of miss friend B but how can I restart a relationship with someone I'm afraid of?  Does my fear make sense?  Yes and no.  What is the reality?  I had a relationship with B for over a decade.  He did nice things for me.  I thought we had a dependable relationship.

And then against my expectations, he expected way more communication skill from me than was possible after Will's death.  I behaved inappropriately and then he blew up in a way that scared me.

I am someone who has had my world turned violently upside down a few times.  And when I say "turned upside down," what I mean is that an event occurred which undercut my understanding of how the universe was functioning.  These are times of extreme disruption of perception.

1. ghosting by first lover
2. oldest sister - "The Hero" - killing her child and trying to kill herself
3. kidnap-rape by strangers and disbelief by family members 
4. Will showing that he didn't accept a core aspect of me after we were bonded
5. relationship with emotionally abusive Irish Catholic
6. death and smelly rotting of best friend in grad school
7. accusation of sexual harrassment by good friend in the workplace
8. dementia of my sweetheart (a saga of dealing with piss and shit)
   
9. death of my partner of 50 years, 66 days, and 15 hours.
   

Here's the point.  I don't think my lost friend understands how PTSD has shaped my brain.  I'm about to read the book, The Body Keeps the Score.  Hopefully, this will help me to understand my fears and why I can't talk to certain people after a blow up.  After I read the book I'll think more about hiring a mediator to help our friendship restart.

The Shooting in Bend:  As I said to some friends the other day, as someone who experienced violence early, I think it's a privilege to live in America without having experienced it.