Days 8 - 12 - The Clearing Out Begins

For the past few days I've been cleaning, talking with friends, responding to funeral preparations, and travel planning.  This coming year will  be one of travel, most of it as a singleton.

"Free at last, free at last."

my dog and my gun case

My Grief Therapist, Sarah, says that I need to figure out the difference between the grief over the dementia and the true, lifelong sorrow over the loss of my partner. And as she reminded yesterday, I'm not suddenly alone.  I've been alone for years.  No wonder it's much easier to sleep in the house than I thought it would be. But I can't sit still very well.  Sarah says this is because I've been in hyper-arousal for 4 years and that it takes time for my brain and body to turn that off.

What I'm finding is that I want to get rid of almost all the furniture in the house.  Yesterday, the wonderful workers at College Hunks Moving Junk came and picked up the three falling-apart 1930s chest of drawers that Will bought with Velma's house when he bought it from her in 1973, 6 months before we got married.  I feel that by giving stuff away I'm also getting rid of some of my anger at Will for the 7 years of grief and last two years of his slow slow dying.

My anger sometimes leads to me yelling at him in the house (now that's he's dead and can't be hurt by it.)  I'm also playing loud music in the house -- disco!  Yay SiriusXM Studio 54!