Classes

 

Not the Sequel but the Original

I'm taking a variety of writing classes this fall: some from Sarah Lawrence and one from COCC (oh, don't get me started on the teaching style in the latter class -- I'm just too old and set in my ways to love a teacher who improvises the class, doesn't go by the syllabus, and says things like, "I haven't read Dickens but I imagine Dickens would write like this . . .").

For the Sarah Lawrence memoir class on Love and Loss, I wrote the following and shared it with the class yesterday and got some nice comments.  The prompt was to write something about loving service in 100 words.

 Christmas Gift

 

The final act of love I performed for my sweetheart of 50 years was cleaning the shit off his shrunken body. But he didn’t experience it as love. In his dementia, he thought me a childhood abuser and screamed curses. “I’ll kill you,” he shouted.  At that moment, in one stroke, his extreme rage allowed him to perform his final act of love for me -- disappearing into the feverish coma that ended in his death on Boxing Day. I was relieved that our suffering was over. I didn’t realize this respite was just a brief pause before I shattered.

 

 

 I wonder if writing and sharing this yesterday was the reason his spirit was finally back this morning, sitting down on the bed around 3:50 when Sequel woke me for no good reason.  I told him "Hello, Sweetheart" and then went back to sleep.

 

Puppy Whipped

 Wow.  

Sequel jumping Poppy

Having this puppy here is kicking my butt.  Winston is acting weird about his food. The cat is more demanding than ever when she isn't fleeing to outside or downstairs.

 The good thing is I didn't cry last week.  First week since Will died that I haven't cried for a full week.  Why? Because I was anxious and annoyed and irritated all week and that didn't leave as much time for sadness.

But previously, all the stress of managing the puppy was making me miss Will more. This week, the week that began with a friend's death at 75 and ended with another friend

But my therapist and I laughed a lot together this morning because I knew this was going to be hard and I am now experiencing the previously mentally accepted hardness. It is hard. I don't regret making this decision, though. Having her and meeting her needs for exercise, mental stimulation, food, sleep, and poo/pee time has once again convinced me that I made the right decision to not be a parent.  I'll be able to stand this for the short time a puppy takes to grow up (2 years) but I never would have made it the length of time it takes to launch a higher level primate into the universe!

I just now had a nice talk with Marie Hedeman, Sequel's breeder, about some of the issues we've been having and she gave me some great advice about taking the girl's food away an hour earlier than I've been doing, covering the ground with red or black pepper, and playing with her hard for a full half hour before we go to bed.

New Puppy

Dear Will:

I have a new puppy who looks just like Birdy but is far more wiggly and bitey than Birdy was.  But I remember we got Birdy at about a month later in her development.  But just as with Birdy, I'm not getting much sleep.

My struggle with her makes me miss my former fellow puppy wrangler.  I'm crying almost every day again. 

Some of these tears are about Kathy.  You remember her. You used to complain about how she had no other conversation but her children. She was a great leader at COCC and is facing death with strength and panache. I hope that I will be able to follow her lead when my time comes in two to twenty years.(I know I could just as easily die tomorrow as in two years but I'm basing my claim of two to twenty on the general peacefulness and healthyish nature of my existence.)

Sequel is beautiful, of course, and came to Bend with a full groom and painted nails. And beauty, as you know, is a prime motivator for me. Sadly, she also needs a bath now and I'm not looking forward to managing a shark in the tub.

Winston is annoyed with her and has spoken to her sharply.  I am so looking forward to December when we can start going to puppy socialization classes.

Missing you every fucking day.

Kake